Best Songs of 2013

Just like cronuts and blogspot, we all know that lists are on their way out.  Lists became so huge in 2013 that I’m convinced I don’t even know how to read novels, articles, or the back of shampoo bottles anymore because if reading material is not in list form, FORGET IT. Websites like Buzzfeed and Upworthy have become mainstream and you’ve probably noticed on your Facebook newsfeed that everyone from your 10-year old cousin to your grandma is posting garbage lists that are titled something like “10 Chicken Nuggets That Look Like Selena Gomez” or whatever.  And you know what? I happen to still love lists thankyouverymuch, and I’ve decided to make my own!  Here’s a list of songs that I loved in 2013, because I know you all care deeply.  

1. Drunk in Love- Beyonce ft. Jay Z

Beyonce’s “visual album” was the gift I didn’t know I wanted but desperately needed. I have always rooted for Beyonce but grew tired when she continually released one mediocre pop song after another.  Then came 4, her 2011 album.  I don’t love 4, but you can sense that Beyonce was on the cusp of something new, taking risks with the rhythmically schizophrenic but awesome Countdown and the 90s r&b sounding Love on Top. But after that, there was nothing for almost three years. Aside from re-watching her 2013 Super Bowl performance seven thousand times, 2013 was the year when I was pretty much gave up on Beyonce. And then.  AND THEN. Like a thief in the night, Beyonce stole all of our hearts and blew our minds at midnight on 12/13/13.  I stayed up until 3 a.m. watching the 30-second iTunes previews of her 17 videos over and over again and then promptly invited all my friends over to watch all of them in their entirety the next night.  It’s her masterpiece, you guys. You can tell it’s the album that she wanted to make--a feminist manifesto, a love letter to her husband and child, and a public sex diary rolled into one awesome listening experience.  It was hard to choose a favorite off of the album, but Drunk in Love is probably the one I listen to the most.  She sort of simultaneously channels Damien Rice’s slurred, drunken voice that he uses in his song Cheers Darlin’ and Rihanna’s weird but cheerful caribbean rapping style, if you can imagine that. The message of this song is that Beyonce and Jay Z love each other a lot and like to have wild, drunken sex with each other as husband and wife.  In today’s world, that’s a pretty wholesome message!

Memorable Lyrics:

“Your breasteses is my breakfast.” LOLZ JAY Z

“Surfbort”

“Can’t keep your eyes off my fatty.”

2. The Fall- Rhye

There is nothing super spectacular about this simple song, except that it makes me feel things. I think what I love most about this song is the crescendoing first line, in which Rhye longingly croons  “Mmmmmmmmmmmm make love to me,” in a sensual Sade kind of way.  If you’re lucky, you can hear me sing that line on a loop under my breath at pretty much any moment in any location because this song is constantly stuck in my head.  You can imagine the kinds of stares I get. Whatever, no regrets.

Memorable Lyric:

“Mmmmmmmm make love to me.” Obviously.

3. Black Skinhead- Kanye West

Never mind that I just got home from a shopping trip at The Gap, made some quinoa and then turned on New Girl….I LOVE HOW RAW THIS KANYE SONG IS. Although Kanye’s media personality typically makes my eyes roll so hard that they fall out of my head, I’ve always loved his music and Black Skinhead may be the best thing he’s done yet. This song’s everything I’ve ever dreamed: an insane and insanely amazing beat created by an arrogant but undeniably talented sociopath.  And dat lunatic yell tho! Kanye is the nucleus, guys. Let’s all get on board already.

Memorable Lyric:

“I’m aware I’m a wolf, soon as the moon hit

 I’m aware I’m a king, back out the tomb bitch.”

4. New Cat- My Body

I really wish I had made out with a boy in my college dorm room to this song.  I’m pretty sure it’s about a dead cat, which probably symbolizes a dead relationship or something. The perfect subject matter for a makeout song, right?

Memorable Lyric:

“Oh you, you wasted a lot of love on me

And I can’t, I can’t give it back, I can’t give it back, I never could.”

5. Lose Yourself to Dance- Daft Punk ft Pharrell

I was never into Daft Punk, and I’m not way into Random Access Memories, but this song is EVERYTHING. This is the perfect song to play at any party, wedding, or existential crisis. Also, #pharrellforever.

Memorable Lyric:

“Here take my shirt and wipe all the sweat, sweat, sweat

Lose yourself to dance.”

6. Chloroform- Phoenix

I actually didn’t love this song until I saw the video.  Sofia Coppola directed it and of course I watched it obsessively one day without being entirely sure why.  Watching Sofia Coppola’s work is kind of like looking at Pinterest; you’re just staring at pretty stuff for hours and you can’t explain why.  But the song grew on me after multiple viewings and I’ve been hooked ever since.  

Memorable Lyric:

“I don’t like it if you miss me

Why would I long for you?”

7. Dream the Dare- Pure Bathing Culture

I haven’t heard anything else by this band on purpose because I know their other songs can’t possibly compete with this one. The verses are lovely and almost nursery-rhyme like and the hook is unforgettable.  Also, if you look up the lyrics to this song, will you please explain to me what they mean? I feel like Daniel Desario in math class.

Memorable Lyrics: 
I don’t know any actual lyrics because I make them up.

8. So American- Portugal. The Man

I can’t even believe how good this song is. It feel like Portugal. The Man had all this ambition create a loud, political, and brazen anthem, which they totally executed perfectly.  I also once had a dream that I was having the time of my life drinking at a pub in Ireland with a bunch of dudes and we were singing this song all night long, so that’s cool I guess.

Memorable lyrics: 

“There's two eyes for every one of us

but somebody got there first and took them all"

9. Usher- Climax

No, this song isn’t as gross as the title implies.  Usher songs have always been good for break up montages and road trip sing alongs because they’re so dramatic to the point that they’re kind of funny.  Climax is dramatic too, but definitely not in a hilarious way.  Usher is so damn passionate that all you can do is stare at the ground as shivers run down your spine as think about your lost loves.

Memorable lyrics:

“But you say it's better if we,

love each other separately

I just need you one more time

I can't get what we had off my mind.”

10. The Recipe- Kendrick Lamar

I love this Kenj song because it is a sweet homage to my home state of California.  Does any other state have better “women, weed, and weather” than California? Kenj says NO and I guess I’ll take his word for it.

Memorable lyrics- Most of these lyrics are terrifying, but I’ll go with:

"You might catch me in Atlanta, looking like a boss

New Orleans and then Miami, party in New York

Texas I be screwed up, Chi town I be really pimping

But nothing like my hometown I’m forever living."

Irena

If I were to die today, I imagine my obituary would read something like "She loved puppies and 30 Rock and occasionally pretended to be productive at service projects that were organized by people that were better than her." Yeah. Something like that. When I read the following words about Irena Sendler, I couldn't help but get a little weepy and inspired. Read it right now and then better yourself.

Irena Sendler, 1910-2008

A 98 year-old Polish woman named Irena Sendler recently died. During WWII, Irena worked in the Warsaw Ghetto as a plumbing/sewer specialist. Irena smuggled Jewish children out; infants in the bottom of the tool box she carried and older children in a burlap sack she carried in the back of her truck. She also had a dog in the back that she trained to bark when the Nazi soldiers let her in and out of the ghetto. The soldiers wanted nothing to do with the dog, and the barking covered the kids’ and infants’ noises. Irena managed to smuggle out and save 2500 children. She eventually was caught, and the Nazis broke both her legs, arms and beat her severely. Irena kept a record of the names of all the kids she smuggled out and kept them in a glass jar buried under a tree in her backyard. After the war, she tried to locate any parents that may have survived and reunited some of the families. Most had been killed. She helped those children get placement into foster family homes or adopted. Last year Irena was up for the Nobel Peace Prize. She was not selected. Al Gore won - for a slide show on Global Warming.

My thoughts exactly, Al.

Jamie Sullivan? Is that you?

I had to post this because I want to remember this look for the rest of my life. I don't really care for Mandy Moore, but she knocked it out of the park on Oscar night and now I'm going to keep my eyes peeled for her fashion choices in the future.

Isn't this so Betty Draper of her? I had to do a double-take because she doesn't look like Mandy Moore but a brunette Grace Kelly. Everything is perfect: polished hair, peaches and cream makeup, and a kick-a dress. Le sigh. I want to dress up.

By the way. Can we all campaign for Shane West to start acting again in real movies so he can make it to the Oscar's next year? I know you all want this to happen.

If you need some cheerin' up

I like how he looks

That is all.

Lay off me, I'm starving

A couple months ago I started what I hope to be a long term diet, otherwise known as a “life change” according to scary monster Jillian Michaels. I have been doing a lot of research about how to make this successful, and everything I read tells me that I need to admit that I’m trying to get fit publicly and probably write about it every once in a while or whatever. It’s been a rocky start, but I’ve lost ten pounds. And this is how I feel, constantly:

Will somebody please give me cookies? I won’t tell anyone.



I will also accept cupcakes.

Whip it real good

I wish he was still the Fresh Prince.

Well, I never!

As of late, the title of this post is a little phrase that I find myself declaring quite often, with a southern belle accent of course. It can be quite appropriate in a number of situations, including, but not limited to:

When someone does something impressive
When someone says something perverted
When someone does something shocking
When I am accused of singing in the shower
When I am cut off on the freeway
When I cut someone off on the freeway
When someone accuses me of singing in the shower
When I am staring at/eating delcious food stuffs
When I see an attractive man
When a baby coos or does something equally as sweet
Anything involving puppies

And the list goes on and on. Yes, I utter these three simple words more often than Paula Dean says "needs more butter," but one day I sat down and thought really hard about the meaning of them. Let’s break it down.

But first, I tried to google a funny picture of Paula with butter, but found these elegant nails instead. Hilarious!




Back to breaking it down:

“Well” can be a filler word that is often used for hesitancy, no? We use it to spare a little time to think of what we are going to say next. That leads us to….

“I” refers to me, and me only. No one else. Me. Not you.

“Never” means not at all, not even kinda, sorta, just a little bit. Absolutely not.

The obvious meanings of these words got ME thinking about all of the things that I have never done and how I am too ashamed to admit what those things are. I am not talking about extreme things like skydiving, helping save the children in Africa, or making my armpit fart, either. I am talking about common things that I probably should have done or should currently be doing.

In fact, whenever I get in the horrible situation at a training/party/get to know you activity in which we play the dreadful game “Never Have I Ever,” I can usually exit unnoticed by backing slowly out the room mumbling “I need to powder my nose” or “excuse me while I take this call” since I know that I will WIN the game, because YES, I have NEVER done a ton of crap.

And now you want to know what these things are. And now I will tell you.

I have never:

+Read Harry Potter
+Hiked the Y
+Balanced my check book
+Ran a consecutive mile
+Dyed my hair
+Called to order a pizza
+Personally washed my car
+Used Neosporin
+Eaten sushi
+Seen: Psych, House, the CSIs, 24, Lost, or any other tv show that probably has actual merit
+Seen: Star Wars, LoTR, The Sound of Music, The Bourne Identity movies, or any other movie that probably has actual merit
+Bought a song off of iTunes
+Flossed (Just kidding. I’ve done it dozens of times.)
+Blessed my breakfast

What common things have YOU never done?

How many of you that sit and judge me, ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

It’s no secret that when people decide to bash on particular things we have a love/hate relationship with, we get PISSED. For example, I love to make fun of my dog Ruby because she is slightly retarded and is the craziest looking bitch (I use this term technically) in the San Joaquin valley. But when someone thinks it’s funny to shoot fiery darts of hate out of their mouth about her simplicity and/or appearance, my skin turns green and my muscles bulk up into epic proportions giving my thighs the power to crush skulls.

By the way, you have no idea how much creepy She-Hulk cartoon porn there is when you Google image her name (please don’t do this). The pic above is the only decent one I could find before my eyes begged me for mercy. What is wrong with the world?

This is exactly how I feel when people—especially people named “the internet”—hate on Bakersfield, my hometown in California. In the last month, Yahoo news posted not one but TWO articles about how crappy a city Bakersfield is on its front page.

First, it broadcasted to the world that Bakersfield is ranked at the top of the list of the dirtiest metropolitan cities in the United States. The study basically stated that breathing in Bakersfield air can do just as much damage as second hand smoke. Oh deary.

Weeks later, it linked a study that declared Bakersfield as the 5th least “brainy” city in the United States.

Now, I am the first one to lie to people and say that I’m from the Los Angeles area, even though Bakes is almost 2 hours north of LA.

I am also the first one to say that I will never EVER move back.

And sure, I willingly talk trash about the evident the lack of beauty, greenery, and buildings that are more than 3 stories tall.

I will even gladly stay up all night and tell you stories about the overabundance of trailer parks, line dancers, and lifted trucks.

I will bow my head in shame when I admit that Korn went to my high school.

Don’t even get me started about Valley Fever, which nearly caused the death of my mother and oldest brother Drew, no joke.

But seriously Yahoo, stfu. I know these studies are of importance when it comes to real estate and social and environmental science, but deep down I feel like they’re picking on it WHEN THEY HAVE NO RIGHT. Only it’s noble (I know, I know—the word is debatable) inhabitants can pick and choose when we want to share our embarrassment because we will always be rooted there. It is a part of us. We can never escape it. We have to love it so we have the right.

And for the record, some of the most intelligent people I know are from Bakersfield. Maybe the majority of people didn’t ever receive a college degree, but guess what? You don’t have to know about Walt Whitman’s literary works to be intelligent. You don’t have to know the ins and outs of organic chemistry and microbiology. I only have a very limited understanding about these types of things and yep, I have a bachelor’s degree. A diploma can only give you certain kinds of knowledge, obviously.

I learned a ton in college and I know that I, personally, am better off for having graduated. I also know that a large proportion of Bakersfield’s population work and operate oil and agriculture industries, which do not provide simple, dim-witted careers. Those people are better off for having learned from a young age about how these industries work. It’s just a different kind of education. That’s all.

And maybe my parents never graduated from college, but my mom has a Beautiful Mind ala Russell Crowe minus the schizophrenia. People pay this “uneducated” woman $30 an hour as a calculus tutor. And my dad always has the most brilliant insights that pull me out of the pit of despair known as writer’s block. He’s got a way with words that would take me decades of studying and practice to achieve. How can you generalize and call them “dumb?” How can you do that?

Anyway, this was supposed to be light hearted but I’m a little heated now and I’m not sure if it’s because I worked myself into a frenzy or because my laptop is starting to burn holes through my jeans. So I will leave you with my favorite song, which just so happens to be the inspiration of the title of this post:

Not So Scary (and VERY scary) Movies

Scary movies complete me during this lovely Halloween season so here’s a little guide to my 10 top favorites. * Note: Technically, two of these movies are legitimately scary. But the rest are my favorites when it comes to appropriate seasonal fun. So enjoy and don’t try to fight me!

+Shaun of the Dead: Ok, so this isn’t a scary movie. But don’t tell me that your butt muscles didn’t clench while the zombies started to break into the Winchester. This can also be considered as my favorite comedy and one of my favorites movies of all time.

Not for: people who have not become desensitized to the f-bomb, people that hate British people.

+Paranormal Activity: I’ve seen it three times and I still haven’t managed to keep my eyes open during that final scene. And I never will!

Not for: people who have souls, God fearing individuals, people who are not down with Satan…

+The Strangers: I recall nonstop tears falling from my eyes while watching this is theaters. So horrible. So great. And Dennis Reynolds is in it!

Not for: people that live alone out in the country, people that have serious issues with burlap sack masks.

+Hocus Pocus: This classic just reeks of childhood. I know that every girl at one point in their life has called dibbs on which Sanderson sister witch they want to be (i.e., not the forgettable chubby one and preferably the slutty Sarah Jessica Parker one).

Not for: This movie is for everyone! Unless you’re an unspirited a-hole.

+Drag me to Hell: So much fun. The grossest movie you will ever watch, other than Jackass 3D, I’m sure. I love that my family went to go see this in theaters for FHE.

Not for: Those with weak stomachs.

+The Ring: This is the first real scary movie that I saw in theaters. I was about 13 or 14 and I remember bolting out of my seat for the door on multiple occasions. I watch it now and laugh, but that was some messed up stuff for a girl who ran home from school everyday to watch Full House, Saved by the Bell, Family Matters, then whatever original movie that was playing on the Disney channel, in that particular order.

Not for: 13 year old girls who just want to daydream about Ryan Merriman.

+Scary Movie 3: Also not considered a scary movie, but it is too hilarious not to mention. This movie is seriously funny. If you’ve seen the other movies in the franchise but not this one, I promise this one is nothing like the others and that it’s truly a diamond in the rough.

Not for: People who are not funny.

+Ghostbusters: Classic. My dream is to see all three in the movie theaters. Why was I born in the late 80s??

Not for: Those sympathetic to marshmallow.

+Beetlejuice: Tim Burton has done some pretty crappy stuff in the last decade—he should just stick to making weirdo stuff like Beetlejuice. This movie will never not make me smile.

Not for: People that hate on yellow teef and green hair, those who have been misguided into hating Alec Baldwin.

blah blah blah...

My mind has been racing a mile a minute these past couple of days. Mostly about unimportant, trivial crap. Per usual. Don’t read this if you hate on blog posts that have WORDS. Because I know I do sometimes.

+ The best highlight of seeing Hairspray at the Scera this weekend was noting that they had to cast Tongans and olive skinned white people as the black kids in Baltimore. Oh Utah.

+ I don’t like Glee. I wish I did. Do you know how many discussions I get left out of?

+ I am moving to Salt Lake City TOMORROW. My beautiful, kind, and patient aunt let me crash at her home in American Fork while I searched for the perfect place to live. And finally, I found a charming little house in a charming little neighborhood in the middle of Sugarhouse. Really, I am in love. But I’ve had such a great time with my family that I will no doubt be shedding a salt watery substance from my tear ducts tomorrow. Oh, those are called tears, you say? I don’t do it often but I just know that crying is going to be inevitable tomorrow.

+ I’ve lost all creative inspiration lately. Blogs used to be my reading material of choice because they introduced me to such a beautiful and creative world that I never knew existed. I adored hopping from blog to blog written by girls that I aspired to be, doing things that I wanted to do, and loving things that I wanted to love. But now I’m bored. Does anyone have anything that inspires them these days that doesn’t have to do with cupcakes, letters to husbands and/or inanimate objects, weddings, quarter life crises, photography of pretty things, diy flower headbands, or outings to the nearest restaurant/gelato place/food truck? Don’t get me wrong, I love those things (minus the letters). I have even blogged about these things (note the cupcake rant a couple posts down, haha) but I feel like I’ve seen it all before and it doesn’t get me excited anymore. I am craving something fresh.

+ I have been trying to grow my hair long for the past couple of years and now that it’s near the length that I’ve been working so hard to reach, I hate it. Of course. I’m hating on it so bad that I’m thinking chopping it off into a bob and dying it a rich, dark, RED. That’s right! I want to be a ginge! And yes, I know it’s a horrible idea. Must be me just being bored and creatively uninspired. See how it’s affecting my important life decisions??

+ My computer crashed and I lost all of my music. I lost my super old versions of itunes and limewire that allowed me to download for free to my hearts desire. But I guess the upside to all of this is that my friends won’t look at me anymore like the dirty thief that I am (was). Looks like I’m going to have to purchase my first song off of itunes after 4 years!

+ The GRE can suck it. I hate this test and I haven’t even taken it yet. I bought a book but every time I open it up to study I all of a sudden find myself deep cleaning my room, grocery shopping, or calling a friend that I haven’t talked to in months. Funny how that works.

+ One of the speakers in General Conference today said that the grass is never greener on the other side. I have thought about this concept a lot in the past year and always believed it to be true, but it was definitely like a kick in the stomach hearing it from an apostle. It’s real, it’s raw, it’s human, and it’s a little painful knowing that trials will always be constant and that life will never be perfect, even though that’s what we’re trying so hard to achieve. But it’s also a pretty hopeful and humbling concept if you look at it with the right perspective.

+ Can you believe that I just bought my fourth bridesmaids dress within a year?

+ October is and will forever be my baby. I LOVE this time of year. The Utah leaves get themselves all pretty and I am always cranking out those pumpkin flavored treats. But the best is visiting the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point, visiting the Haunted Forest, and watching a couple scary movies every weekend up until Halloween graces us with her lovely presence.

Ahhh this was long. Maybe I should just buy a journal?

Mt. Vernon

Okay, I have made like 5 posts today, which is probably more than I have made in an entire year. This is Mt. Vernon, George Washington's epic estate. It was cool. No more words; just pictures this time. Blogging is hard.

Georgetown Cupcake

I am one of those annoying girls who is way into overpriced cupcakes. But for good reason—they are so tasty! I would probably classify myself as a connoisseur of sorts because I’ve tried them from all over the country—no lie. Georgetown Cupcake is hands down the best I’ve ever been to, but C’MON!

{seriously, enlarge this picture}

No cupcake is ever worth THAT LINE. Unbelievable.