How many of you that sit and judge me, ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

It’s no secret that when people decide to bash on particular things we have a love/hate relationship with, we get PISSED. For example, I love to make fun of my dog Ruby because she is slightly retarded and is the craziest looking bitch (I use this term technically) in the San Joaquin valley. But when someone thinks it’s funny to shoot fiery darts of hate out of their mouth about her simplicity and/or appearance, my skin turns green and my muscles bulk up into epic proportions giving my thighs the power to crush skulls.

By the way, you have no idea how much creepy She-Hulk cartoon porn there is when you Google image her name (please don’t do this). The pic above is the only decent one I could find before my eyes begged me for mercy. What is wrong with the world?

This is exactly how I feel when people—especially people named “the internet”—hate on Bakersfield, my hometown in California. In the last month, Yahoo news posted not one but TWO articles about how crappy a city Bakersfield is on its front page.

First, it broadcasted to the world that Bakersfield is ranked at the top of the list of the dirtiest metropolitan cities in the United States. The study basically stated that breathing in Bakersfield air can do just as much damage as second hand smoke. Oh deary.

Weeks later, it linked a study that declared Bakersfield as the 5th least “brainy” city in the United States.

Now, I am the first one to lie to people and say that I’m from the Los Angeles area, even though Bakes is almost 2 hours north of LA.

I am also the first one to say that I will never EVER move back.

And sure, I willingly talk trash about the evident the lack of beauty, greenery, and buildings that are more than 3 stories tall.

I will even gladly stay up all night and tell you stories about the overabundance of trailer parks, line dancers, and lifted trucks.

I will bow my head in shame when I admit that Korn went to my high school.

Don’t even get me started about Valley Fever, which nearly caused the death of my mother and oldest brother Drew, no joke.

But seriously Yahoo, stfu. I know these studies are of importance when it comes to real estate and social and environmental science, but deep down I feel like they’re picking on it WHEN THEY HAVE NO RIGHT. Only it’s noble (I know, I know—the word is debatable) inhabitants can pick and choose when we want to share our embarrassment because we will always be rooted there. It is a part of us. We can never escape it. We have to love it so we have the right.

And for the record, some of the most intelligent people I know are from Bakersfield. Maybe the majority of people didn’t ever receive a college degree, but guess what? You don’t have to know about Walt Whitman’s literary works to be intelligent. You don’t have to know the ins and outs of organic chemistry and microbiology. I only have a very limited understanding about these types of things and yep, I have a bachelor’s degree. A diploma can only give you certain kinds of knowledge, obviously.

I learned a ton in college and I know that I, personally, am better off for having graduated. I also know that a large proportion of Bakersfield’s population work and operate oil and agriculture industries, which do not provide simple, dim-witted careers. Those people are better off for having learned from a young age about how these industries work. It’s just a different kind of education. That’s all.

And maybe my parents never graduated from college, but my mom has a Beautiful Mind ala Russell Crowe minus the schizophrenia. People pay this “uneducated” woman $30 an hour as a calculus tutor. And my dad always has the most brilliant insights that pull me out of the pit of despair known as writer’s block. He’s got a way with words that would take me decades of studying and practice to achieve. How can you generalize and call them “dumb?” How can you do that?

Anyway, this was supposed to be light hearted but I’m a little heated now and I’m not sure if it’s because I worked myself into a frenzy or because my laptop is starting to burn holes through my jeans. So I will leave you with my favorite song, which just so happens to be the inspiration of the title of this post:

Not So Scary (and VERY scary) Movies

Scary movies complete me during this lovely Halloween season so here’s a little guide to my 10 top favorites. * Note: Technically, two of these movies are legitimately scary. But the rest are my favorites when it comes to appropriate seasonal fun. So enjoy and don’t try to fight me!

+Shaun of the Dead: Ok, so this isn’t a scary movie. But don’t tell me that your butt muscles didn’t clench while the zombies started to break into the Winchester. This can also be considered as my favorite comedy and one of my favorites movies of all time.

Not for: people who have not become desensitized to the f-bomb, people that hate British people.

+Paranormal Activity: I’ve seen it three times and I still haven’t managed to keep my eyes open during that final scene. And I never will!

Not for: people who have souls, God fearing individuals, people who are not down with Satan…

+The Strangers: I recall nonstop tears falling from my eyes while watching this is theaters. So horrible. So great. And Dennis Reynolds is in it!

Not for: people that live alone out in the country, people that have serious issues with burlap sack masks.

+Hocus Pocus: This classic just reeks of childhood. I know that every girl at one point in their life has called dibbs on which Sanderson sister witch they want to be (i.e., not the forgettable chubby one and preferably the slutty Sarah Jessica Parker one).

Not for: This movie is for everyone! Unless you’re an unspirited a-hole.

+Drag me to Hell: So much fun. The grossest movie you will ever watch, other than Jackass 3D, I’m sure. I love that my family went to go see this in theaters for FHE.

Not for: Those with weak stomachs.

+The Ring: This is the first real scary movie that I saw in theaters. I was about 13 or 14 and I remember bolting out of my seat for the door on multiple occasions. I watch it now and laugh, but that was some messed up stuff for a girl who ran home from school everyday to watch Full House, Saved by the Bell, Family Matters, then whatever original movie that was playing on the Disney channel, in that particular order.

Not for: 13 year old girls who just want to daydream about Ryan Merriman.

+Scary Movie 3: Also not considered a scary movie, but it is too hilarious not to mention. This movie is seriously funny. If you’ve seen the other movies in the franchise but not this one, I promise this one is nothing like the others and that it’s truly a diamond in the rough.

Not for: People who are not funny.

+Ghostbusters: Classic. My dream is to see all three in the movie theaters. Why was I born in the late 80s??

Not for: Those sympathetic to marshmallow.

+Beetlejuice: Tim Burton has done some pretty crappy stuff in the last decade—he should just stick to making weirdo stuff like Beetlejuice. This movie will never not make me smile.

Not for: People that hate on yellow teef and green hair, those who have been misguided into hating Alec Baldwin.

blah blah blah...

My mind has been racing a mile a minute these past couple of days. Mostly about unimportant, trivial crap. Per usual. Don’t read this if you hate on blog posts that have WORDS. Because I know I do sometimes.

+ The best highlight of seeing Hairspray at the Scera this weekend was noting that they had to cast Tongans and olive skinned white people as the black kids in Baltimore. Oh Utah.

+ I don’t like Glee. I wish I did. Do you know how many discussions I get left out of?

+ I am moving to Salt Lake City TOMORROW. My beautiful, kind, and patient aunt let me crash at her home in American Fork while I searched for the perfect place to live. And finally, I found a charming little house in a charming little neighborhood in the middle of Sugarhouse. Really, I am in love. But I’ve had such a great time with my family that I will no doubt be shedding a salt watery substance from my tear ducts tomorrow. Oh, those are called tears, you say? I don’t do it often but I just know that crying is going to be inevitable tomorrow.

+ I’ve lost all creative inspiration lately. Blogs used to be my reading material of choice because they introduced me to such a beautiful and creative world that I never knew existed. I adored hopping from blog to blog written by girls that I aspired to be, doing things that I wanted to do, and loving things that I wanted to love. But now I’m bored. Does anyone have anything that inspires them these days that doesn’t have to do with cupcakes, letters to husbands and/or inanimate objects, weddings, quarter life crises, photography of pretty things, diy flower headbands, or outings to the nearest restaurant/gelato place/food truck? Don’t get me wrong, I love those things (minus the letters). I have even blogged about these things (note the cupcake rant a couple posts down, haha) but I feel like I’ve seen it all before and it doesn’t get me excited anymore. I am craving something fresh.

+ I have been trying to grow my hair long for the past couple of years and now that it’s near the length that I’ve been working so hard to reach, I hate it. Of course. I’m hating on it so bad that I’m thinking chopping it off into a bob and dying it a rich, dark, RED. That’s right! I want to be a ginge! And yes, I know it’s a horrible idea. Must be me just being bored and creatively uninspired. See how it’s affecting my important life decisions??

+ My computer crashed and I lost all of my music. I lost my super old versions of itunes and limewire that allowed me to download for free to my hearts desire. But I guess the upside to all of this is that my friends won’t look at me anymore like the dirty thief that I am (was). Looks like I’m going to have to purchase my first song off of itunes after 4 years!

+ The GRE can suck it. I hate this test and I haven’t even taken it yet. I bought a book but every time I open it up to study I all of a sudden find myself deep cleaning my room, grocery shopping, or calling a friend that I haven’t talked to in months. Funny how that works.

+ One of the speakers in General Conference today said that the grass is never greener on the other side. I have thought about this concept a lot in the past year and always believed it to be true, but it was definitely like a kick in the stomach hearing it from an apostle. It’s real, it’s raw, it’s human, and it’s a little painful knowing that trials will always be constant and that life will never be perfect, even though that’s what we’re trying so hard to achieve. But it’s also a pretty hopeful and humbling concept if you look at it with the right perspective.

+ Can you believe that I just bought my fourth bridesmaids dress within a year?

+ October is and will forever be my baby. I LOVE this time of year. The Utah leaves get themselves all pretty and I am always cranking out those pumpkin flavored treats. But the best is visiting the corn maze at Thanksgiving Point, visiting the Haunted Forest, and watching a couple scary movies every weekend up until Halloween graces us with her lovely presence.

Ahhh this was long. Maybe I should just buy a journal?

Mt. Vernon

Okay, I have made like 5 posts today, which is probably more than I have made in an entire year. This is Mt. Vernon, George Washington's epic estate. It was cool. No more words; just pictures this time. Blogging is hard.

Georgetown Cupcake

I am one of those annoying girls who is way into overpriced cupcakes. But for good reason—they are so tasty! I would probably classify myself as a connoisseur of sorts because I’ve tried them from all over the country—no lie. Georgetown Cupcake is hands down the best I’ve ever been to, but C’MON!

{seriously, enlarge this picture}

No cupcake is ever worth THAT LINE. Unbelievable.

4th of July

No, I did not see Barry Obama on the 4^th. But I did skip church to watch the parade go down Constitution Avenue! Unfortunately, God cursed me with the worst heat and humidity in the entire world. I still have the red neck to prove that the sun obliterated everyone who has pinky mouse skin, like yours truly.

We spent the rest of the day wandering around the Folk Life Festival at the National Mall and took naps and played games under the trees in front of the Capital. Pretty swell.

Meg, looking beautiful and approving of the heat. Me, looking sick and melting.

You can't see him, but man-baby David Archuletta is singing the national anthem in this picture.

Haha, I take the worst pictures. It was a lot more stunning in person, believe me.

Movies in the Park

There is an outdoor movie festival every Friday night in the Rosslyn area of DC and this summer the theme is 90s movies! Over the summer classic masterpieces such as Clueless, Happy Gilmore, and Office Space were shown. A couple months back (yeah, I never blog), I finally went with some friends not knowing which movie was playing, but with 90s movies, how could you go wrong?

Well, it went wrong. Very, very wrong.

Out of all the potentially great movies they could have shown, they played the movie that probably plays on repeat in Hell: BIO DOME. Starring Pauly Shore and Stephen Baldwin. Ugh. Pauly Shore movies are the worst and yet I spent my entire childhood watching one after another. Blame it on Comedy Central for playing Encino Man every Saturday afternoon for seven years straight. Somehow, though, I never had the displeasure of watching BIO DOME until that unfortunate Friday night at the park.

I didn’t laugh once. I never even heard a chuckle come out of the audience. Even the people who were obviously high sitting behind us knew it was bogus. I think we all hated ourselves at the end for staying the entire time.

Not even the beautiful scenery could distract from Pauly Shore's douche-baginess.

At least Meg and I got to fulfill a childhood dream: kissing Kevin McAllister.