How many of you that sit and judge me, ever walked the streets of Bakersfield?

It’s no secret that when people decide to bash on particular things we have a love/hate relationship with, we get PISSED. For example, I love to make fun of my dog Ruby because she is slightly retarded and is the craziest looking bitch (I use this term technically) in the San Joaquin valley. But when someone thinks it’s funny to shoot fiery darts of hate out of their mouth about her simplicity and/or appearance, my skin turns green and my muscles bulk up into epic proportions giving my thighs the power to crush skulls.

By the way, you have no idea how much creepy She-Hulk cartoon porn there is when you Google image her name (please don’t do this). The pic above is the only decent one I could find before my eyes begged me for mercy. What is wrong with the world?

This is exactly how I feel when people—especially people named “the internet”—hate on Bakersfield, my hometown in California. In the last month, Yahoo news posted not one but TWO articles about how crappy a city Bakersfield is on its front page.

First, it broadcasted to the world that Bakersfield is ranked at the top of the list of the dirtiest metropolitan cities in the United States. The study basically stated that breathing in Bakersfield air can do just as much damage as second hand smoke. Oh deary.

Weeks later, it linked a study that declared Bakersfield as the 5th least “brainy” city in the United States.

Now, I am the first one to lie to people and say that I’m from the Los Angeles area, even though Bakes is almost 2 hours north of LA.

I am also the first one to say that I will never EVER move back.

And sure, I willingly talk trash about the evident the lack of beauty, greenery, and buildings that are more than 3 stories tall.

I will even gladly stay up all night and tell you stories about the overabundance of trailer parks, line dancers, and lifted trucks.

I will bow my head in shame when I admit that Korn went to my high school.

Don’t even get me started about Valley Fever, which nearly caused the death of my mother and oldest brother Drew, no joke.

But seriously Yahoo, stfu. I know these studies are of importance when it comes to real estate and social and environmental science, but deep down I feel like they’re picking on it WHEN THEY HAVE NO RIGHT. Only it’s noble (I know, I know—the word is debatable) inhabitants can pick and choose when we want to share our embarrassment because we will always be rooted there. It is a part of us. We can never escape it. We have to love it so we have the right.

And for the record, some of the most intelligent people I know are from Bakersfield. Maybe the majority of people didn’t ever receive a college degree, but guess what? You don’t have to know about Walt Whitman’s literary works to be intelligent. You don’t have to know the ins and outs of organic chemistry and microbiology. I only have a very limited understanding about these types of things and yep, I have a bachelor’s degree. A diploma can only give you certain kinds of knowledge, obviously.

I learned a ton in college and I know that I, personally, am better off for having graduated. I also know that a large proportion of Bakersfield’s population work and operate oil and agriculture industries, which do not provide simple, dim-witted careers. Those people are better off for having learned from a young age about how these industries work. It’s just a different kind of education. That’s all.

And maybe my parents never graduated from college, but my mom has a Beautiful Mind ala Russell Crowe minus the schizophrenia. People pay this “uneducated” woman $30 an hour as a calculus tutor. And my dad always has the most brilliant insights that pull me out of the pit of despair known as writer’s block. He’s got a way with words that would take me decades of studying and practice to achieve. How can you generalize and call them “dumb?” How can you do that?

Anyway, this was supposed to be light hearted but I’m a little heated now and I’m not sure if it’s because I worked myself into a frenzy or because my laptop is starting to burn holes through my jeans. So I will leave you with my favorite song, which just so happens to be the inspiration of the title of this post: